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Jul 30, 2015

When The Ex isn't as Problematic as You Are

Exes have long been problematic....for some of you.

You date them, get dumped, take them back, get dumped again and some of you take forever to get over them.

You know what I'm talking about: you pine away for the "good old days" before he/she began cheating or just treating you like dirt. You might stalk them, their family, friends; hang around the spots you know they frequent, obsess over them day and night....then, when you finally come to your senses and find the strength to delete them from your cell, quit drunk dialing them and perhaps start dating other people, it's like they suddenly sense you've moved on and come running back. But it's not that they want you back.

It's just that they don't want you to stop being their dope on an emotional rope.
Hence they besiege your new relationships; rip open old wounds whenever they sense you're vulnerable, and force you to consider getting back together with them for one last shag, even though they just broke your heart into a million pieces and your swore you'd never so much as look in their direction again, let alone contemplate doing the nasty.

Of course you quickly realise the only reason they're even talking to you again is that their current relationship (probably the one they dumped you for) is on the fritz, or they got their heart smashed in oieces, or they need some money or just need to give their over inflated ego a freshboost at your expense so they flock to the one person they know they can count on....you...good old ready-made lollipop sucker.

You give in, hoping against hope that this is the moment you've been fantasizing about where they realize you were the one...how wrong they were for playing you like a fiddle, lying to you and dumping you like a bad habit...and they're back. Soon after the jaunt or they get what they want, you look up and see they took off faster than a jack rabitt leaving you, once again, with your heart and hopes in your hand.

While you're standing there wondering what just happened, They're probably off laughing to their friends and new victim...I mean lover... about how you're so gullible and how you'll do anything for them.

Call me jaded, bitter and cynical but I'm not the only one shaking my head at these volunteers aka victims? How can you agree to remain "friends" with some dimwit who cheated on you used you for an emotional pinata or their personal ATM machine then ditched you like a well-read newspaper? A friend doesn't treat you like that. And contrary to popular belief, if someone could not treat you right in a role as intimate and committed as your boy/girlfriend, husband/wife how on earth are they going to make a good friend?

When I hear someone say, "My ex treated me bad. He/she cheated and they traumatized me" followed by, "But we're friends now..." I realize I'm dealing with a broken, confused soul who is clinging onto their ex-monster out of desperation and neediness not friendship. These same people are the very individuals who claim to have "zero tolerance" policies in place for drama and are quick to talk about how they demand to be treated with the utmost respect yet they accept such disrespectful, abusive behavior from an ex whom they have re-titled as a "friend."

These same people will cut off a friend for so much as sneezing hard on a bad day yet they're clinging to an ex who treated (and likely still does) them like toe jam.

These are the same people (over 25 years-old) you're likely to hear uttering phrases like "There ain't no good men/women out here." And in all reality, it's not that aren't any good men/women out here...it's just that they keep choosing to date sorry men/women and instead of moving on after God delivers them from a trifling, cheating, abusive, ungrateful man/woman they cling to the cad and re-title them a "friend."

They make themselves available to listen to their problems, listen to the ex talk about the new men/women they're dating/sleeping with and then when the ex keeps stepping on their heart, they're wounded and angry all over again. A sad case of self-mutilation if you ask me.

As with anything, there are exceptions to every rule. Not every ex is the devil incarnate. There are some exes that are decent enough (or enough time has passed for healing) to speak to when you see them. Notice I said speak. Not sleep with. Having a friendly 5 or 10 minute conversation once in a blue moon is one thing, but emailing and calling every other day or several times a month is asking for trouble.

I don't care if someone tells you what a wonderful person there ex is and how they are "so nice" and they're "great friends." "Great friends" don't break up because things are so "wonderful" with this "great guy/girl" and they decide to "just be friends" because in a day and time when faithful, wonderful men/women are tough to find, people don't break up with "great men/women" in order to "just be friends."

No, they break you because "Mr./Miss Wonderful" wasn't so "wonderful" after all. There's a reason they broke up and it's likely a good one. The only reason why their staying in touch and pretending to be "good friends" is because they're not ready to let go. Period.
I think it's always best to be civil and cordial to an ex: speak and keep it moving. There are five types of exes that aren't worth the spit it would take to curse them let alone speak and those are the sleeping dogs you need to let lie.

The petty ex
They left a bunch of clothes and other petty personal items at your house after you broke up and though you've begged them to pick them up, months later, they're still there. Anytime they see you with someone new or you refuse to see them "for old times sake" you end up barraged with phone calls accusing you of "stealing" their trash or worse, the cops are calling you to let you know that you're in violation of the law by "keeping" their things and you'll be arrested if you don't return them.
Or they take your dog and keep it then call you every month accusing you of owing them for veterinarian bills they've "had to incur" taking "your dog" to the vet. Or they lie and bad-mouth you to others disclosing every intimate, embarrassing detail of your life they can recall just to hurt you.
Or they go out of their way to flaunt their new victims...I mean boy/girlfriend in your face

The rebounding ex
You dated them, got dumped by them and then dated them again only to get dumped...again. Seems like every time they get dumped and stepped on they come hunting you down giving you false hope over and over and over again. It's not love and it's not that you're the "one I should have never left," like you want to think. No, it's that you're the only one of their exes foolish enough to keep giving this loser chances. Everyone else knows them for the trifling, cheating, skank they really are, but you're a die-hard sucker and she/he knows it and they're always all-too happy to use you to re-inflate their ego until their next victim comes along.
they moved on more quickly than you could yell "make-up sex". Their newly minted picture-perfect relationship made your skin crawl, but suddenly things have began to take a turn for the worse. Hence your ex is calling you.
You know they're not adverse to some late-night nookie, you think , "what can it hurt. Besides, it's been decades since I got some and it beats paying an escort service." So what do you do? Agree to meet the ex while they're wallowing in their misery? Or reject them like they did to you and force them to get a taste of their own venomous medicine?
"It all depends on how long ago they dumped you," says one Lothario who is all too
familiar with the trappings of an ex on the rebound.
"If the wounds are still raw and it wasn't that long ago that they broke your heart, even agreeing to meet them for a cup of coffee could be hazardous. You need to ascertain their intentions before you even agree to speak to them on the phone for more than five minutes."

The "We're Friends" ex
You somehow manage to pry yourself loose from this "irresistible" former lover only to have them tell you, "we're going to be friends. I don't care who you or I end up seeing." The only thing is, he/she is using you like an emotional pinata. They pop up for "friend sex," whispering sweet nothing in your ear; going out for dinner and drinks once in awhile, has you buying them things...just like when you were dating...... only to not take your calls the next day, ignore you when they see you out, flaunt other men/women in your face while they floss in the new clothes, jewelry you bought them last week and the moment you protest, they quickly remind you, "we're just friends...remember?"
In short, they want you to play boy/girlfriend when it's convenient for them and then step back when they're not in the "friend mood."

The married ex
Either they were married when you were cheating with them or they got married after you two broke up. Doesn't really matter. The point is, the moment they have a fight with hubby they're on the phone with you reminiscing about the good old days and have you telling them what a great girl/guy they are and how they're special blah blah blah.
You're thinking, "Hmm maybe he/she will see they made a mistake and come back to me now." Wrong. You're being used as a go-to man/woman when married ex needs a break from the mundane life of marriage or their ego needs stroking. This isn't love and they're not missing you. They're using you
Tell your married ex to take their married ass back to connubial "bliss" and be woman/man enough to work out their problems like an adult and keep it moving.Change your number and block their emails. You're asking for trouble if you don't. Hubby may find out and then she/he will be back to being your problem...and in enough time, they'll be doing to you what they did to their husband/wife.

The ex who likes to keep you up-to-date
This is the ex that calls you up to give you the low-down on all of their latest conquests (or victims)
Hence they give you a courtesy call to let you know when they've got engaged; they call you when they're planning their fancy-schmancy wedding celebration (and fail to invite you, of course) and they text you to let you know they're pregnant.
Of course you graciously and politely congratulate them each time as the knife they're holding seems to wedge deeper and deeper into your heart. Again, you're left wondering: "Should that have been me?" ...

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