Chivalry is NOT dead

You are willing to open the door for your lady, sure, but are you willing to avenge her honor?
Should her honor be impugned?
Is her honor an extension of your own?
Is your honor more important than life itself?

Most of us don't have to answer those questions, because most of us don't live in an honor-based society. But what about those who still do? What about those who choose to live by archaic codes and are obligated to answer every insult?

According to Wes McBride, a retired L.A. County Sheriff's investigator and an authority on street gangs, "a lot of gang fighting is about girlfriends. It's really a turf dispute. The woman is a man's property, and if she's insulted, he's insulted. It's like, Hey, he dissed me. Or, Hey, I don't like the way he looked at you. And then it starts. But it starts with guns, and it's over in seconds.

There used to be fistfights, but now shooting the other guy is the only means of problem solving. No one wants to be the guy who brings a knife to a gunfight. Is chivalry involved? Well, it's hard to fight a duel from the window of a moving vehicle. It's not like they tip their lances to one another before they start shooting."

McBride insists that the gang members who kill one another over perceived slights to their women "have no idea what the word chivalry means." And yet, to the question that men still have to hear, it seems that some of us have earned the right to answer: 'Tis not chivalry that's dead, m'lady. 'Tis the sorry-azz motherf-r who called you a ho.

I agree with McBride in many ways and yes, it is chivalrous to defend the honor of a woman you love or care about, but sometimes it's just as chivalrous to walk away. Some people aren't worth arguing with and more importantly, the argument sometimes isn't worth your life. I think it takes a bigger man (and woman) to walk away from some things or certain arguments.

Today, men are so worried about being politically correct that they're afraid to be gentlemen and exercise chivalry. No one wants to get cussed out on a first date so they're awkward at what to do and what not to do.It's not that complicated. Really.

Believe it or not many of us women are still old-fashioned and many of us are very traditional. We more than appreciate your chivalry and expect it.

No, a first date should not take mediation or translation from a UN secretariat. You can be discreet in finding out whether or not she's a traditionalist or a modern woman by asking about her childhood or by just asking what she prefers.

If that turns into a Maury Pouvich moment, replete with a 40 minute diatribe about how insensitive or dumb men are and blah blah blah, take that as a hint that this is someone you don't want to date let alone be worried about be chivalrous with.

Many of us women are sensitive, but we're not complicated. A little love, kindness...well, chivalry, goes a long way with us just as it does you.

Being a gentleman is not outdated and no, it doesn't make you look like a chump. Why do you think we call you "my big-baby" or "my papi chulo" when we reflect back on those early times together? Because you were sweet and chivalrous and it never took from your masculinity. Truthfully, it only enhanced it.

Here are some of my personal opinions on chivalry and what is considered to be:

The Tools of Chivalry For Men

Good hygienic posture is a turn-on for the average woman and so is dressing appropriately. I know that some younger people dress very casual for almost any date, but if we're going to a finer restaurant, you should dress casually conservative with laces tied, no underwear or boxers showing and yes, your clothes should be clean. There is nothing attractive about a man who smells musty or downright funky, but he has on new clothes.

---Gentleman remove their hats inside of any building and wearing do-rags or stocking caps is just not appropriate. whether the shirt has a collar or not, it shouldn't have any inappropriate gestures, wording or pictures on it.

---Go to the door unless, of course, she's already waiting for you outside. Honking your horn in the driveway or at the curb is just disrespectful. Opening her door is a chivalrous gesture and I think all of us appreciate it.

--Please, don't arrive to pick me up intoxicated or tipsy. This is so rude and unchivalrous.

--If Gin (or any other liquor) "makes you sin" or do anything else that will embarrass yourself or me, please don't drink it when in my comapny. Being loud, argumenative or just down-right obnoxious on a date is a huge turn-off. There is no need to challenge me or wear any insecurities or issues you may have on your sleeve. Let's just have a good time with good conversation.

---Playing the stereo at full or damn near full blast is rude. Especially if you're picking me up from work, my parents or one of my brother's homes. Major loss of chivalrous points there. I don't care if a woman is living in a carboard box, the projects or a homeless shelter, turn down your stereo when you arrive to pick her up. Who cares how your speakers kick. Save it for the fellas.

1. A moderate tone "we can still hear one another speak" is cool.

2.And playing anything containing lyrics that refer to woman as "ho's" or "bit*******" or any other derogatory term is absolutely unacceptable. This includes playing Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing." It's just not in good taste unless of course she let's you know that music is cool with her. ---Making any mention of her sex life or the lack thereof is rude and indicates where your head is, unless of course she initiates that conversation.

----I am a strong advocate of the full disclosure rule (sexual transmitted diseases, etc), this isn't something we discuss the night of our first encounter either. It should be disclosed as early as possible. And no, slapping on acondom and not saying a word, is NOT chivalrous and in some parts of the country, it just might earn you a beat-down.

---If you have a cold sore, be a gentleman and skip the goodnight kiss.
---Discussing your last conquest ? tacky tacky tacky

---Referring to women or your ex (any of them) as bi****** or ho's or giving a forensic analysis of how you'd like to kick their a**es is scary and very unlikely to get you a second date.
----Bragging, Boasting or just talking a lot of junk are huge indicators that you're insecure and immature.

----I think it's cute when I know a man wants my attention, really, but outright childish, malicious games are apart of the seven "deadly" sins. What do I mean?

1. arranging for an ex (or someone posing as your ex) to happen to stop by the restaurant we're at is played out and will get you left.

2. constantly checking your cell phone makes you look silly. If you're actually expecting a call, that's one thing, but just doing it to "appear" disinterested is rude and immature.

3. waiting until the first date or any other date to disclose the fact that you're "not really" divorced, but, in fact separated or not is age old and just might get you embarrassed. Be honest from the gate and save both of our time not to mention your dignity.

4. And no, your telling me how you never really loved your wife and only married her because she was pregnant and can't leave because of the kids and are only staying because she's terminally ill and can't afford a divorce will not change my position.

5. berating me after I decline an offer to go back to your place or let you into mine won't get you anywhere let alone into my apartment. When the time is right, it'll happen, trust me.

6. And pretending to need to use my bathroom is a lame trick and won't work either. I'll just re-direct you to the Circle K down the street.

7. And telling me how "we're both adults" or acting as if you're too drunk to drive or swearing that "nothing will happen that you don't want to happen" will not change or do anything except turn me off.

8. Trying to pressure me or manipulate me into intimacy too early isn't cool. If we haven't even kissed yet, why would you think we're ready for sex? Yes, I'm an adult and so are you, but that has nothing to with when we may have sex. I always believed that when the time was right, that sort of thing automatically happens. No hints needed.

9. Oh, and trying to "bring the freak" out in a woman who has told you that she is not into anything unnatural or freaky becomes annoying and is disrespectful. If she tells you no once, it's probably best to just leave it alone and rent a porn video.

10. A kiss goodnight is just that. Yanking me towards you, holding me roughly and trying to force me to tongue kiss you is a major turn-off and might get you a knee in the groin.

Yes, some women like it rough; they love an aggressive man. Some will pressure YOU for sex or tongue on the first date, but when that is the case, you know it and there's no maybe about it.

-----Asking her if she's "on the rag" or having a visit from "Aunt Flo" because she's emotional or upset that day is tacky and insensitive.
---Interrogation is better left to law enforcement and even if I were dating a policeman, I'd take offense to his unnecessary integration of my life. It's cool to ask questions, but use the same amount of tact when asking me questions as you would come to expect of me.

----Asking me "so, how many kids you got" with a scowl or a look of condescension upon your face is rude. If you were really concerned about that or it falls under your "do not want" list, ask that prior to arranging a date with me.

----Question me about the ring on my left hand, that's fine. Sitting there with a look of "yeah right" on your face after I tell you it is not a wedding ring makes very little sense and is annoying. After all, if you were really concerned about that you would not have asked me on a date especially since I was wearing it the day you met me.

------Pretending is for teen-agers. I am not any less inclined to like you because you tell me that you prefer a Rambo movie over Titanic. You're being honest and there's nothing wrong with that, but please do not pretend. If you decide to be polite and sit through a chick-flick with me, I appreciate the gesture, but don't do it then make me feel obligated or bad because you did something in favor of me.